It seems the older I become the more complex a woman I discover I am. I’m unsure of the equation or how other women unearth individuality but one thing I know for sure is that I am almost impossible to decipher sometimes.

Last week I sat in a beautiful Thai restaurant in Old Street, east London. The establishment was sublimely lit, conversations in differing languages echoed the air and the nectarous Jasmine smoothie in hand set me up for a jolly time with a good friend.

As we ordered our food (Pad Thai which consisted of rice noodle, prawn, dried shrimp, tofu, egg, peanut, bean-sprout and lime), and waited for it, we naturally fell into our own repartee. I delighted in making his life (for the next three or so hours) a living hell, and he probed back in defence. While catching up on ‘what’s new’ in our personal lives I realised I found it nearly impossible to elaborate much of what I was going through. I laughed things off and brushed aside any question that will require that I be vulnerable, so instead, I overturned much of them on him.

In turn, our interaction highlighted a similar discourse I engaged with my mentor just two days before. She affirmed the difficulty in breaking pass my shell; I seemingly built a wall so lofty and sturdy it was literally indestructible. Neither marching around nor shouting would cause this Jericho to crumble. She further enunciated the way in which this attitude was able to affect the people around me—the relationships I somewhat managed to establish (most of which I hold on to only gently by the hem, ready to let go if they or God should decide the time was up). Interaction with my family, fellowship with other saints and ultimately my relationship with God—in a negative way.

For so long I have go on caring for myself. As the eldest child I was taught to bear my siblings’ burdens, placing their need before my own which further led me to not have anyone to turn to when I needed it most. The relationship I had with my parents didn’t quite allow me to be so open about my emotions so I learned to bottle them up (assuming that was synonymous with ‘dealing’ with them).

I had many ‘friends’ but none I trusted enough to confess my struggles, and consequently I shut God out. I believed I could carry each burden alone so when it came to a romantic relationship it was difficult to give my all. I held back and hadn’t the heart to openly profess my fears, anxieties, brokenness.

I concede there is a derivation much too deep-seated than I am able to write which have affected my perception of self and the world around me. It rendered me numb, insusceptible of love and unable to give it wholly. Yet I also know that I am nowhere near what, who or where I used to be. Upon reflection I recognise my growth and in actuality a willingness to be open; to allow the world at large to at least get a glimpse of what I am made.

In conclusion, as our stupendous evening drew to an end I half seriously and half-heartedly told my dear friend “I am a work in progress, be patient with me”. One thing I have refused to do is rush my process. I cannot afford to look to my left, right or even behind me to see who is doing what, I must stay put in my lane keeping my eyes on the Cross ahead. In saying this, I also cannot afford to be stagnant. Where movement is initiated it is imperative that I fall in steps for evolution to be perfected.

I’m learning more than I bargained for. But what else is there to expect of a woman such as Elisabeth? And now also the late Ms Carmichael? Only a few chapters into the life of a woman who was so selfless (for lack of better word) in ALL things, and I have been convicted of my own selfishness.

Too often do I assume I give my time, ear, heart and care to those around me. I feel as though I do it all and only have to myself but the final two-to-three hours of the day. Yet as I meditate on the words in A Chance to Die, my perception of stewardship is challenged. How can I identify with placing my life on the line for others for the sake of His glory when I hardly know the God that I serve? The desires of His heart, and ultimately the purpose to which I have been created?

I’m finding out that it is almost impossible to serve wholeheartedly, in abundance and purity, without an in-depth understanding of the only Omniscient Being.

Share in suffering as a good soldier of Christ Jesus. No soldier gets entangled in civilian pursuits, since his aim is to please the one who enlisted him.

I’m asked to give a testimony on Sunday. Clearly The Lord refuses to let me hide. And what I’m realising even as I write this is that, the further in Him I hide; the deeper and more completely I abide in Him, the more He exposes me for His glory. I know exactly of what I must testify, and I’ve never been more excited to speak of HIS unmerited, undiluted goodness.

I’m currently commuting and as usual I have an Elisabeth Elliot title at hand. Chapter five of A Chance to Die highlights something so profound (yet so basic) of our purpose. Of what The Gospel of Jesus Christ is all about. As I meditate on these words, I literally cannot help but marvel at the beauty of living for our Saviour, yet how much of it we fail to recognise let alone bask in!

“To be like Christ. To displace self from the inner throne, and to enthrone Him; to make not the slightest compromise with the smallest sin. We aim at nothing less than to walk with God all day long, to abide every hour in Christ and He and His words in us, to love God with all the heart and our neighbour as ourselves… It is possible to see the will of God in everything, to put away all bitterness and clamour and evil speaking, daily and hourly. It is possible by unreserved resort to divine power under divine conditions to become strongest through and through at our weakest point.”

I don’t think I’ve ever really read words more beautiful. I couldn’t pass up the opportunity to share with you and I plan to do so on Sunday also. I’m praying for us all. May we never become complacent in our stewardship, may we adhere to these principles, may we perpetually hunger after righteousness, may we truly die daily and have an unquenchable thirst for Him.

On my bed by night I sought him whom my soul loves;
I sought him, but found him not.
I will rise now and go about the city, in the streets and in the squares;
I will seek him whom my soul loves. I sought him, but found him not.
The watchmen found me as they went about in the city.
“Have you seen him whom my soul loves?”
Scarcely had I passed them when I found him whom my soul loves.
I held him, and would not let him go until I had brought him into my mother’s house, and into the chamber of her who conceived me.
I adjure you, O daughters of Jerusalem, by the gazelles or the does of the field,
that you not stir up or awaken love until it pleases.

You shall be holy to me, for I the Lord am holy and have separated you from the peoples, that you should be mine. (Leviticus 20:26 ESV)

[God] asks us who want to be disciples first to relinquish our rights to ourselves, then take up the cross, and follow [Him] —Elisabeth Elliot

Holiness defined:

1.
specially recognised as or declared sacred; consecrated
2.
dedicated or devoted to the service of God, the church, or religion
3.
Holiness in worship is characterised by single-minded devotion to God [Asbury Bible Commentary]

The affair between God and the Israelites was a depiction of unconditional love. One which the Pursuer would perpetually forgive, because His lover seemed to forget that once the vows were said, she became His eternally. Such was the case in Leviticus 19:4, the Israelites are charged [again] not to create idols or make for [them]selves any gods of cast metal, simply because God does not relish in the acknowledgement of other deities.

Personally, I know God has called me to greater heights, hence my call to holiness is primarily of the mind. I have done all but allowed God to be God over my thoughts, because I didn’t trust that He loved me the way He said He did. I’ve certainly concocted idols of myself and the people in my life, assuming mere human beings would take better care of me.

The instruction to continually abide in God is not put in place because God wants to solely impose His lordship over creation, although some may argue otherwise, we are warned of the consequences of other gods in our lives in Exodus 20:4-5 where God also professes to be a jealous God.

I reflect in my walk areas where I placed a person’s view, perception, opinion and presence above God and He didn’t hesitate to remove them from my life. He’s not going to share His glory with anybody else, period.

The only way we can attain and maintain set apart, holy living, without creating idols where the last was destroyed is by daily denial of who we are in presenting before The Lord our filthy garments. Joshua is told in Zechariah 3:4 “Behold, I have taken your iniquity away from you, and I will clothe you with pure vestments.” The gift of holiness is therefore already bestowed upon those whom He loves. God is willing to make us new and more like Him. In Leviticus 20:24 there was a promise of a land flowing with milk and honey if the people were to be obedient to that process of holy living.

Though He doesn’t desire to, God is capable of withholding good things from us if we are not intentional about being holy. And rightly so; which parent will award their child with gifts when they have done wrong? God corrects us simply because of His uncompromising love for us. There is a mighty price to pay where holiness is concerned, but if we really desire Him to be glorified through us, we will refuse to continue in our own path with our own agendas.

I’ve heard the statement ‘the journey to the top can sometimes be a lonely one,’ and that’s okay because ‘the gate is narrow and the way is hard that leads to life, and those who find it are few.’ (Matthew 7:14 ESV) I have accepted that it is better to be alone with Christ in the storm than comfortable in the boat without Him. There is a great reward for the one whose life is evidently set apart for the purpose of God’s work.

May we actually begin to be holy as He is holy and live as though He has separated us to be His, in Jesus’ name

The past few days have been a question of where am I? What am I doing? and ultimately where am I going?

Where am I? I can start by honestly saying I’m in a ‘good place.’ That simply means that I have attained what was promised in Philippians chapter 4:7 “the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding,” and this peace has thoroughly been guarding my heart and mind in Christ Jesus.

What am I doing? I am found in the joy of The Lord irrespective of my activities because I am now, more than I have ever been, intentional about serving Him. I’m choosing more carefully how I manage my time, and even more so where I am investing it. It takes a lot of discipline and many waters are overcome when I choose to go into my Bible instead of engaging in idle conversations, hopelessly romantic novels, television series or music.

Where am I going? as of recent I have had a stir in the right direction. The more I am in the Word, the more I seek God’s purpose, and the more clarity He provides. I am strengthened in my weakness because I trust His leading; hence, I need be still so that I may hear directly from Him instructions that will draw me closer to Him in the midst of storm.

In his commentary on the believer’s pursuit (Matthew 6:33), Matthew Henry says, “Seek first the kingdom of God… And let all the concerns of this life be made subordinate to those of the life to come: we must seek the things of Christ more than our own things; and if ever they come in competition, we must remember to which we are to give the preference.”

There are a lot of decisions to be made, and at times I feel like I’m being pulled in one direction or another without true knowledge of my destiny. But I am confident in this one fact: God doesn’t author confusion so He will always direct the path of those who trust in Him (Proverbs 3:5-6)

The eternal God is your refuge, and underneath are the everlasting arms (Deuteronomy 33:27) Seek His will above your own and watch Him unravel the beautiful life He has in mind for you.